How to Trust Again...

Ugh. There it is, that word again; Trust. With a capital T. It’s definitely a word that triggers almost everyone; Do I Trust? Can I be Trusted? Did you earn my Trust? Will I ever Trust again? Why Trust?

We’ve all got some story to justify our reaction to the word.

I know I do. I was trained as a lawyer to see the flaws in every case, to scrutinize witnesses on the stand, to ascertain whether they are telling the truth and always, always to demand the evidence before believing anything.

I like to attribute my doubting nature to my professional training, but the truth is I became a lawyer because I always questioned everything and everyone, insisting on proof, fascinated with uncovering what’s hidden, and being the doubter-extraordinaire.

It actually stood me in good stead most of my life. I was always prepared for disappointment, was perpetually on my guard and leaned towards disbelief.

It wasn’t until I was fifty years old when I was so blindsided, and experienced such an intense and unfathomable betrayal by another human being, (ok, yes, a man) that I wasn’t sure I would ever Trust again.

That chapter of my life is the subject of my latest book coming out in December entitled Shattered. And I was.

So, if you have had that sort of moment in your life, I feel you.

We have all been let down, lied to or abandoned by someone.

It hurts like nothing else. And yet, we have no choice but to try to open our hearts again.

So, when I read Lao Tse’s teaching in the Tao Te Ching, “ he who does not trust will not be trusted”, I was taken aback. Why should I not be trusted, I demanded to know. I am completely trustworthy; everyone says so! I have proof; I began making a case.

And then I took a breath and chose to delve a little more deeply. What does he mean? When the evidence is clear that I am right not to trust people, why I am the one deemed untrustworthy? Explain to me, I begged Lao Tse. The problem, however is that the teachings of the Tao de Ching are not explainable. They can only be revealed, then understood.

It’s kind of an intense quote, especially for those of us who are doubting, skeptical, reserving our trust until deserved.

As I began to wrestle with the word trust, it became painstakingly clear how much of a punch the word packs.

I could feel my body tense up and my face tighten. My stomach became clenched and I felt ready to attack and cry at the same time. We want to trust. We need to trust.

What is trust to me? I connect the word to others and what they do, what they have done, whether they are trustworthy.

Then, a quote by Confucius messed with my head even more. In his words, “it is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.” Shouldn’t we soften the blow of deception by holding back a bit?

As I thought more about it, I dawned of me that maybe it’s not about the result of the trusting or distrusting that matters, but the process/experience of trusting.

Then it made more sense. I took another breath. Didn’t I feel better, more open, expansive and peaceful when I am trusting? It’s when I begin to grit my teeth, brace myself, try to fend off fear that I am disconnected from my own sense of peace.

Maria Popova, the creator of The Marginalian talks about trust, not “as a passive guarantee of safety, but as an active, delicate surrender to uncertainty and the flow of time”. I can feel myself relaxing into this way of viewing trust. She suggests that we “trust uncertainty”, explaining that what is required is letting go of the illusion of control.

It is the trusting that is important, not whether you were right or wrong to trust.

Yung Pueblo concurs that “Trust blossoms in the absence of control.”

But of course it kind of begs the question: how do we surrender, and just trust the uncertainty?

We are living in a time that is unbearable in its dishonesty, disillusionment, and distortion. How do we let go of all that fear, anger, rage, disappointment and despair and trust that things will be alright?

Nature is, without a doubt, our best teacher. Herman Hesse writes:

Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts, they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life.

A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. Out of this trust I live.

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts.

When we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”

We can trust trees, and sunsets and sunrises and oceans and laughter and art and music and poetry to start.

And when we begin to surrender, first to nature, ever-changing and yet always continuing, we will learn to let go of those childlike thoughts that want to control this life we are such a minuscule part of. We can see things a bit more clearly, feel our feet on the ground, our faces warmed by the sun, our feet tickled in the waves.

We will come home to ourselves and by trusting life’s unfolding, we will become more at ease, more able to trust ourselves. Trust begets trust so as we trust, others will trust and so one.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” Johann Goethe.

I love the connection between trust and freedom, trust and creativity, trust and purpose.

May we strive to be lucky enough to embody the wisdom of the incomparable Maya Angelous and “have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

And getting there is worth the surrender.

It is there that we will want nothing except what is.

That is home. That is happiness. That is trust..